lovelovelove.

Welp, it’s January 18. College is nearing closer everyday, and I don’t even know how I’m going to get my IB diploma or enough money to actually go to Baylor (the only place I’ve applied and been accepted). Deadlines for most schools have passed, and a lot of scholarship deadlines have passed also. I don’t know what to doooooo. This just hit me all of a sudden today, and it sucks. I’ve tried so hard to focus and do well in school, but now I’ve missed some boats on the way to college. Ah, I know God has a plan for me though, and I guess the only thing to do is to pray really hard for guidance and strength. Until I find an answer, I’ll work as hard as I can to do as well as I can in school, and apply for financial aid and scholarships like crazy. Bahhhh I wish I weren’t so present-oriented.. I need prayers, if anyone happens to read this.

In other news, I’m very lucky to have Chance Sampson and Kaylan Suarez in my life. <3

I don’t really know what to write, probably cause I don’t really know what I’m feeling. I have a big problem with confronting issues with others. For instnace, right now I think I might be frustrated, but of course I can’t bring it up. Why? First, it’s inconvenient. It never seems like a good time; I don’t want to upset anyone and I don’t want to ruin anyone else’s fun. Then again, should my mood be utterly horrible, hidden just to save the person making me feel this way? I don’t know. Second, I can’t tell if I’m just being dumb or not. My feelings are hurt, and I’m really good at hiding my hurt, ha. But what if I’m just being silly and when I reveal the issue to another, I’m rejected as being a stupid emotionally challenged freak. BUT, if it’s enough to hurt my feelings, shouldn’t it be considered important? Maybe. I guess this is rooted in all of those people who tell me that all I do is cry and complain and feel sorry for myself. I guess that’s a trust issue, then; I can’t trust myself or others very easily. I wish I could just say, “I know he wouldn’t do that.” But I thought I knew that about everyone else too, soooo.. what a paradox. Yuck, I’m a mess. So basically, I don’t know what to do. I probably should just go for it and say, “Hey that kinda hurt bro.” But the third problem remains: how the heck does one even go about that? I just.. I don’t freakin’ know. I’ve also said “I don’t know” and many variations of it way too much in this post. Bahhh but at least I feel better just for getting this out in some way. I think I’ll go pray about this crap.. and then sleep off my bad mood perhaps.

In other news, I’ve been brushing my teeth and spending time with my God much more frequently lately! Other positives: getting ahead on CAS and other homework-y IB things, beasting scan work at the Allstate office, not going back to swimming, clean house. Ahhh see, once the stench has been set to air out and the sweet has been delighted in, we’re all set to engage in a better mood :] Hahahah that last statement officially classifies me as ridiculous, if nothing else has.

You know what? I’m pretty sure that God and one other have been the only ones in my life that I fully trust. However, if there’s no reason for mistrust after all this time, I think it’s pretty safe to say that I should believe in him and have faith that he’s not like those cruel people from my past. There. Fine. It’s all fine. Boy, wouldya look at the progression of this thing x] Anyway, I guess I need to figure out how to bring that up. I think it may be a little silly, but nevertheless it hurt me, thus it deserves attention.

I feel so lost lately. It’s as if I’m the rope in a massive game of tug-o-war, and I don’t like it. So many different things are on my mind, and if I pay more attention to one, the others fall behind and I’m screwed. Everything is so delicate and so precise and I don’t know what to do. I don’t mean that I’m always stressed and unhappy, cause I’m not at all. But I just.. I don’t know what I want to do. Is it really worth sacrificing my sanity and relationships for this stupid IB program? I sometimes tell myself that if I focus on nothing but school right now, it’ll be easier later. This is probably true, but I can’t be sure, and even if it is, why forsake everything else just to make the future easier? I don’t wanna be one of those people who only thinks about securing their future, so that when I finally get there I’ll realize that I never lived. I don’t like homework, and I don’t like the IB program, and I don’t like feeling like such a failure (pertaining to mostly physics). Bah, I don’t know. I also find it hard to spend time with God, and I don’t like it. It’s not that I don’t have time, it’s just hard to give up other things to do it. That sounds terrible, because all I need is Him, but it’s just a constant struggle. And that’s the thing, I want to try harder, but it all feels so useless, because I really feel like there is no balance to be obtained. I don’t know what to do. I’ve been praying, but I’m not very patient. Or maybe I’m not listening hard enough..

I haven’t written one of these in a really long time, which I guess is a good thing, because I tend to use this as a vent.. Bleck :[

So, church camp was last week. To be honest, I didn’t wanna go very badly, or much at all. I thought I’d be so alone and bored and just wouldn’t get much out of it. But boy was I wrong. Last year I went to camp right after probably one of the saddest times I’ve ever had, so of course I wanted the message to just heal my broken heart and body. And that’s what’s amazing: last year the speaker was pretty terrible, but I was totally rejuvenated by the end of the week. And this year, I went into it with a kind of ridiculous “I don’t need help attitude” kinda, but the speaker was incredible! And He woke me up from my false reality, and I realized that I’ve only been living for myself and for good times with friends. The one that I always count on and love with evrything I am was taking a back seat in social situations, which is incredibly selfish of me, to keep Him from others. So basically, by reflecting on the past two camp years, I realize that no matter the band or the speaker or the people there or the activities or anything, God is the one who works, and He always will, no matter what we think or do. I really can’t reflect very well on the events or anything; it was all such a blur. But God works, and I know he’s all I wanna live for and I want it to show on my face and in my words and actions. My constant prayers now are going to be for aid in keeping on His path and for situations to spread Him like fire. The greatest fire EVAR. : D Mmmm idk what else to say, and I hope it all makes sense. <3

P.S. One night during worship, before we sang some sang which I cannot recall, Justin Cofield just made us all close our eyes while he painted a picture in our heads of some of the most amazing, wonderful things in this world. Then he’d say something to the effect that God created it all and rules over it all and it just hit me so hard. I sensed God probably the most ever in my life in that moment, while trying to imagine the depth of His utter majesty. Tears of joy welled up in my eyes as we did this, and I fell in love again. I’ll never stop falling for you, God, because you’ve been there even when I’ve question your very existence. I love you with all my heart, and more.

I can never sleep when I really want to. But that doesn’t matter. This past week (and some of last week? I don’t know; time flies) has been pretty incredible. I’ve hung out with super cool lovely fabulous hilarious awesome people, and all mostly because I CAN DRIVE. Yup, oh and I got a car? It’s pretty much really ugly and dumb, but it functions, and I’m going to fix it up. Anyway, I’m really excited for summer and I’m just so so happy with how it’s kicked off. Lately I’ve been feeling like I don’t want to sleep just because I don’t want the day to end. Really, I think this is the happiest I’ve ever been, despite the fact that the only A grade I made this year was in swimming. I pretty much failed at the school aspect of life this year. BUT hm, I think I can do this. Next year I’m gonna fix it, and I think it’ll be easier now that I’ve figured where I stand in regards to myself. (Ha!) Ah, I don’t even know what to say or do or think. Just one thing has been bothering me lately, but I’ve decided that life’s too short to worry about things so much; whatever happens will happen, no matter how much I worry myself over  it. Alright, I knew typing this out would help: I’m off to attempt to sleep. Goodnight lalalalaaaa. <3

Oh man, I only have like four days of school left. Wah, it’s all gone by so fast. This year’s probably been the best year yet, even if the most stressful at the same time. In most areas, everything is such an improvement from this time last year. I guess that’s not  easy to beat, ha. Anyway, it’s really quite sad cause I’m gonna miss some of those wonderful seniors :[ I don’t like change much at all, but I think I’ll be okay. If any of you are reading this, you better recognize that we’re hanging out every once in a while. I really don’t think I could stand to lose some of you, and surely you don’t wish to be the cause of my downfall ;P Many of you played a huge part in making this year so great, and I hope you all know who you are. I’m really tired, and don’t feel like typing much (because I saw a super amazing Manchester Orchestra show last  night!) but I just wanted to put this out there. I love you guys, and good luck in REAL LIFE WORLD D: hehe.

The next blog will be more interesting and less depressing, I promise.

You aren’t my bestfriend. You’re a whole different person, just like them. I don’t know if you understand how sad it makes me, but apparently you haven’t really got the memo. I love you, and I hope you gain an edge against peer pressure or whatever it is, approval?, that makes you do these things. I don’t know.

And hm, what is it that compels people to just bash others 24/7? Any number of things, but really? I just wish you’d grow up.

Okay, that’s enough of my rant. Tonight’s a bad night, but I’d like to say that life is good. Also, music and Jesus are my complete solace. Really, they’re the only reasons that I’m keeping my cool (ha!) under these ridiculous, numerous circumstances. Ahh, I can always smile, and I always will. [:

So, it’s almost two thirty, and it’s doubtful that sleep is happening for me tonight; I just don’t feel like it, plus I’m finishing up Study Island. So I’m gonna just leave this up and write random thoughts that pop up, because I dig this kinda thing. [:

I love my new haircut, a lot.
I've always wanted somebody to make me a mix cd.
I hope you listened tonight..
Eeeeep Manchester Orchestra concert is in exactly a month from today : D
I like it when people capitalize nothing but names of people, especially God. It just seems so mmm caring?
I hope you don't turn out to be like everyone else. Sigh times a million.
I am really freaking hungry. I could do with an Arby's or Chick Fil'A sandwich. Mmmmm : [
Why am I so bad at science?
I almost capitalized science, but decided that I don't like it enough.
I just wish I had that innocence back, so so much.
Haha, oh study island, you're so silly.
Get busy living or get busy dying. That's my favorite song from  this album, but my favorite part is the title : ]
I really need to do my laundry.

You know, when something good happens to me or I have a wonderful day, I’m always so happy. But sometimes it seems like just moments later it’s all ruined, and it makes me wonder sometimes if anything is worth it. Yes. That’s always my answer. If we go around moping about how life is pointless because we’re never satisfied or completely happy, then what kind of life is that? Why not just live and grow and experience? I choose optimism, and I truly believe that life is better this way. The ratio of good to bad is very high. Mhm! : D

Mmmm, I’m done with study island finally! : D I should probably sleep a couple hours now. Goodnight lovelies. <3

So, I feel very inspired to take this list of things that I wrote to certain people and update them, as well as add a couple.
(I SHOULD BE SLEEPING.) :]

Original:

1. You are my best friend. The best friend anyone could ask for. I love you with everything I am. Just to let you know. However, I think we are growing somewhat apart. It seems that I disagree with you on more things now, and we argue a lot more. Maybe that’s just me, idk. But it scares me and saddens me. You really are one of the only people I believe that I can really trust and will always be there for me. But on that note, It also seems that you’re there for me (and everyone else) increasingly less, and a certain person increasingly more all the time. I know I’m not the only one who sees it; I can’t be. I do think it’s wonderful that the love exists there, but you cater to that person so incredibly much, and it’s like it consumes you. Ah, idk, maybe I’m just overly frustrated with never seeing you, but nevertheless this is how I feel. (By the way, I’m pretty sure that this is an obvious one. None of these are supposed to be indecipherable.)

2. You are my best friend, and it’s becoming increasingly so. You brought up the point one day that I am always trying to prove myself right against you. It’s true. I don’t exactly know why I do it, but I hope you know that I consider it a great task to “defeat” you in any type of debate that involves knowledge, because you’re so smart. I felt that I should say that to clarify that I’m not trying to put myself above you, I just like debating about things with you, cause you discuss it all rationally, and validly. Anywho, I love it. And I love you :]

3. I pretty much miss you. I think I kind of took you for granted, but not really. I don’t know, I felt that we could be really good friends, but I guess certain situations prevented? I hope not; I hope it’s the lack of seeing each other instead. Anyway, it will probably always be my greatest wish for you to have amazing self esteem and be some stud that has a ton of women, even though I know that isn’t really how you’d roll. But I believe that you’re gonna go really far. I know you will.

4. Hi, I think you’re adorable.

5. Everytime I see your hair, I laugh a little bit. I know I shouldn’t, but it feels good to know that I don’t have to pretend to like it anymore. I will say, though, that the picture with your new girlfriend is quite adorable. And I hope you don’t hurt her, but secretly I wish she would hurt you. How many times have you been “in love” now? Hm.

6. You’re changing so much, I can’t keep up. I guess you’re pretty much the same, but I thought you and I always shared the same beliefs about drinking, etc. Apparently not anymore. But I still love you, and I know that you’re a strong person who will hold firm to her strongest beliefs, and I guess that’s what really matters.

7. I have nothing but lovelovelove for you. You’re probably the sweetest person I know. You have your moments, sure, but who doesn’t? And I can’t tell you anything that I don’t want to get out, but that’s alright. I like that I can tell you things that I do want out, but that I don’t want to announce myself.

8. I know nothing about you, except that you have superb taste in music. Oh and you’re very attractive. But, you’re probably above me. Well, that’s not the right phrase. But I think it’s good enough. Oh, you’ll probably also never read this. Haha, whatever. (I wish you would.)

9. I allllways miss you. Even though I never ever see you, and talk to you only ever so often, you are one of my best friends, and I love you.

10. I hope you figure out what’s good for you soon. You’ve done some really ugly things, as far as I know, and probably even more than that. Just stay happy, though, with no regard to any of your friends or even your own good. I know we aren’t really friends, but maybe that makes me more neutral about it all. You are the only one who thinks this is good for you. Suspicious. But hey, I hope your little love story ends happily after all. as a person, you deserve some happiness. A last thought though: I cannot wait to be away from you, when I can stop hearing about your drama and all of your complaints.

New:

1. This situation is still pretty much the same, if not worse :/ It’s kind of eating me up inside, this decay of our friendship. I never want to lose you, truly. But right now it feels inevitable. I know you’ve been trying to improve this, but to be honest, I haven’t, I can’t. I’ve prayed so much, asking for help and to just resolve this mess. I’m waiting this out to see what happens. I don’t even really know what to say, except that I miss you. I miss the way we used to be able to talk and talk at night, without an interruptive call or just the suppressive excuse that we’re “tired.” Ugh, am I being selfish? I think I am, but I can’t help it. I want my best friend back.

2. Yup, still stands. Everything there :]

3. Hmmm I think it’s safe to say that I still feel this way about you. You’re brilliant, the end.

4. HAHA. I honestly can’t remember who in the world this is about.

5. I still love you. I can’t explain it, and it isn’t passionate love. It isn’t even love, but a twisted reverent subgroup of love? I don’t know, but I know I’ll never forget you. Plain and simple, you changed my life. You caused the greatest happiness, trouble, and renewal for me. Thank you. (Ha, I’m thanking you? Yeah, I guess I am.)

6. This has gotten worse :[ I still love you to death, but we're growing apart. I don't have the will to change it, because there isn't anything I can do. It's up to you, ultimately, but I'll always be here for you.

7. I know you can do it. Change things up, go for it. If I can do it, anybody can, but especially you.

8. Hahah hm, it's fun to look at impulsive statements like that. I think you're incredibly nice, and I love that we have a mutual love of similar music :] You’re too cool, and I’ll miss you next year, undoubtedly.

9. I’m glad we finally got to hang out :] I don’t think I’m very good at expressing it, but I love you incredibly much, and you really are one of the best friends I could ask for. Let’s never lose touch, please.

10. I decided to write this blog because of you, actually. I read every single one of your blog entries earlier, and I think I understand you a little better. What especially touched me was your clear response (which I had no clue about) to my nasty note to you, as seen up there. You’re right: I was harsh, and have no right to judge you. I want to first apologize for that, but also to clarify my reasons for writing it. Although we aren’t best friends anymore, I still have love for you and care for you. I wrote those words visciously and in a ranty, angry mood, but behind them I mean well, truly. You may believe me, you may not. I really hope that the closure you have is real this time, and I want you to know that I’m always here for you if you need me. I hope that all made sense :]

11. You’re confusing, and confused. I thought we might have had something, but I guess not. I’m a little sad, mostly because we don’t talk anymore. You’re a fun person, really, and I miss your ridiculous self. Anyway, maybe this will fix itself.

I am really tired, haha. And my hair’s almost finished, so I might add to this later. Goodnight <3

Lately I’d been feeling incredible. I’ve been doing new things and getting on top of my homework and meeting new people, all some of my major goals. However, last night I got home late and then stayed up almost all night in order to do my English homework. I didn’t end up doing it, therefore screwing myself for tonight and not finishing; waste of a night. So I asked my mom to let me stay home. WHY? Because I can’t face my problems well enough, and I plan ahead too much. I really am disappointed with myself, and now I’m grounded “until [I] finish physics.” I think mom was a little overreactive there, and hopefully she’ll settle down, but I can see why she’s so mad about it, because I’m probably more angry with myself than she is with me. I cried myself back to sleep this morning and prayed to God, about what I don’t know. Why must good things always break down at some point?

Yuck, what a mess I am. BUT I’m gonna try not to let this get to me; I’m gonna keep on truckin’. I think I’ll apologize to mom, although it’ll really be to myself. Like when you talk to someone about something, but it’s really for the purpose of telling yourself and sorting it all out. Plus maybe she’ll be more lenient on me. If she isn’t, I believe I’ll be quite peeved, considering the magnitude of the wrongs that my sister is forgiven for. The only thing that I absolutely CANNOT miss is the Manchester Orchestra concert, so luckily that’s at the end of May. I have time to redeem myself.